Ladies, (read: straight girls), I’m about to clear up ALL your misunderstandings about men. (Lesbians, you already know you don’t need me, you understand women better than I.)

What has this to do with Acting? Nothing. And everything. But who cares.

Gentlemen, (guys, pals, dudes), this is for the women, as you have no misunderstandings about sex. (A lot of the women just wondered whether that was sarcasm, though none of you thought that.) Keep reading, so when a woman asks you to explain yourself, and IF you choose to tell the truth, you can quote me (but paraphrase in your own words). She’ll either sit in rapt wonder, amazed and impressed by your honesty, or she’ll throw you out, repulsed and offended by your honesty.

WARNING: If you’re NOT comfortable with explicit sexual description , postulation, and recollection, then by all means—keep reading.

Here’s THE TRUTH, women.  Men understand Who You Are MUCH better than You understand Who They Are, and sadly, you’ve hypnotized yourselves (or been duped by other well-meaning women; same thing actually) into believing it’s the other way around. Women learn about men from their mothers, their sisters and their girlfriends.  None of who know anything about men.  Their fathers, who know all about men, are silent on the subject of men. We learn, men learn, about women from our mothers too, and from our sisters and girlfriends.  But they know about women.  So we grow up understanding exactly who you are. Men absolutely GET that You Are, at your core, instinctively Emotional creatures who want Love, who want to be made to feel Special (like The One), and who want A Lifetime Commitment of Fidelity (ONLY IF, of course, YOU decide you like the guy, or until you get tired of him, which is absolutely and happily, finally, your prerogative after centuries of Western female oppression) and also, who happen to have, between your beautiful smooth thighs, a pocket of muscle lined with ultra-sensitive creamy flesh that tightens, relaxes, and grips, both with flexing and with blood ebb & flow, and if that’s not enough, it produces it’s own silky friction-reducing emollient, and is HARD WIRED to crave stuffing with His Ba-donk-a-donk.

Pornography exists on the opposite side of a boundary created by puritanism (sic).

Men don’t understand WHY you are the way you are, (though they know it has to do with your menses, the moon & the tides, and Hollywood movies) but they don’t give a shit WHY. They accept woman as they are because they NEED the pussy, (read: cock, if you’re a homo, man) and they’re powerless in the face of your gorgeous breasts & fantastic snatches. They know trying to change you is impossible, ridiculous, and only For Fools. They know what they have to say and how they have to behave in order to please you. Sometimes they’re just unwilling, or woefully unable (and would rather Beat the Beaver Buster and hit the hay than even try), or maybe they do try and just can’t manage it for a million different reasons, but they are NEVER confused about Who You Are or What You Want.

You Fe-males, on the other hand, are constantly confused about What Men Want and Who They Are, even though the evidence is right in front of you and always has been.  (The tragedy of the feminist movement in the 70s was that it taught women that men are inferior to them, and that “good” men strive to be more like women. It taught women that they have a right to want men to behave the way women want them to.  Well, of course we all have a right to want what we want, (I want Daniel Craig to show up at my door in a tuxedo, and then, eventually, to growl desperate, breathless, encouraging Oh-BA-bys! in my ear while I fuck him), but best of luck trying to make A Want that defies Instinct into A Reality.

What follows are some immutable truths about men (and don’t start clucking girls, about the exceptions, which you love to do.  Of course there are exceptions to everything, but in this case they’re in a tiny minority.  And now you’re thinking (unless you suspect or know he’s cheating) that your man is IN that tiny minority.  Sure it’s possible he is, but about 80% of you are thinking it, and it’s true of about 10% of men, so do the math. And btw, you know I love you, but it’s time for some TOUGHLOVE, ladies.) And, if you’re a homo reading this, let’s dispense with the myth that there is any difference between gay men and straight men, other than with whom they fornicate. There isn’t. MEN are MEN.

I’ve always been non-plussed that so many gay men are cock crazy. Some even like to suck (and fuck) cock through holes in walls (read: Senator Larry Craig), where the turn-on I guess, can only be precisely that the thing IS an island unto itself and requires no response at all to the human being attached to it. The same percentage of straight men would get into eating (and then fucking) pussy through a hole in the wall, but NO women are offering Nature’s Red Flame through a hole in a wall, so if that’s what the poor straight bastard wants, he’s going to have to pay for it. (And btw, if a guy is straight and doesn’t like to eat pussy, how straight can he be? Yes, this means you! Get down and par-tay!)

Personally, I could never get interested in a man’s pocket rocket unless I was interested in the man.  Once that happened, I was compelled to pleasure his 21^st digit. Visually though, I always prefer the male in a black, cotton, square-cut swimsuit. (Specificity is the Mother of Invention.) I’ve only eaten 3 pussies in my life, and each time I got so INTO its astonishing construction and the hair-trigger responsiveness of its amazing design, that I brought each one intensely and urgently along on sheer ingenuity and enthusiasm for her lovely lotus flower. I’m a 5 on The Kinsey Scale. Where Are You? It’s Fun! (unless you’re closeted) and Anyone Can Play!

The Kinsey Scale for Sexual Orientation

0 = Exclusively straight

1 = Predominantly straight, but a bit homo

2 = Predominantly straight, but more than a bit homo

3 = Equal parts straight & homo: true bisexual

4 = Predominantly homo, but more than a bit straight

5 = Predominantly homo, but a bit straight

6 = Exclusively homo

But I (love to) digress. OK. Here are Some Absolute Truths About Men.

NUMBER ONE:  A man is always attracted FIRST, to the physical.

NO EXCEPTIONS. How Much depends on how much blood (either literally or metaphorically) is pumped into his Unit when he first lays eyes on you.  He has no choice in this. (Same as homos have no choice about wanting men.) It’s an INVOLUNTARY response to the VISUAL stimulus. On a 1-10 scale, you will immediately receive A Base Number (which he is NOT conscious about, unless he’s a  horrible creep).

NOW, imagine that his hardon requires 10 tablespoons-ful of blood to reach its MAXimum hardness. (MAX = where he’s at when he’s just about to squirt it off, and his Manhood is on the line in His own mind because He Wants to make You Come First, and you’re very close, easily within range, and he can’t believe he’s still hanging on.) How ever many tablespoons-ful of blood actually get pumped in, (from 1-10) that’s your Base Number, or, A.

Next, his hardon passes the ball to his HEART, which makes another immediate, 1-10 INSTINCTIVE calculation that uses ALL the other information available to him in that moment. (How you’re dressed, How available you seem, What’s at risk, How the light is hitting you, How you smell, Whether or not you remind him of anyone, [his mother is a popular touchstone] or one of the million other things that may impact his perception, to determine HOW LONG that level can be sustained.

In that moment, if his heart says FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, that’s a 10, and is commonly known as Love At First Sight. The Sicilians call it The Thunderbolt, which I love, and which happened to me 3 times in my life, so you see it doesn’t have to be true, we men just have to feel it is, in that moment.  (Well no, it actually happened about three hundred times, but 3 of those times the other guy felt the same way about me.)

If his heart says FOR ONE NIGHT that’s a 1 on the scale, aka A One-Night Stand.

Now girls, don’t imagine that I’m saying that his feelings will never grow and change for the better or the worse, of course they will (and again, his behavior will always signify to you the true feeling in his heart, NOT what he says). I’m just reminding you that his heart gets passed the ball FROM his cock (or, to use my absolute favorite euphemism for penis: His "Swingin Dick Nixon"). It’s just an important point I need to stress cause it’s the one you always seem to want to forget to remember. It’s kind of like the President and the Vice-President. The Vice-President is a REALLY fucking important person. But he’s not The President. If the president is impeached & convicted, or if he resigns, or dies, the Vice P will take over. But not as long as the President is in the Oval Office.

So that second number, the HEART number, is B.  You DIVIDE B in half (cause it’s only worth half the blood/pump number), and then add half of B to A, which will give you the final answer, C. I say answer because C can answer a lot of popular girl questions.

A + (B x .5) = C   OR   ERECTION plus 1/2 HEART equals WANT.

15 is a perfect score. (The lowest score possible is, naturally, 1.5)

Don’t question it Ladies. MEMORIZE IT. I want you to be HAPPY.

NUMBER TWO: If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it somewhere else.

Men are as faithful as their options, unless they’ve made themselves an unbreakable promise to fuck only ONE person for the rest of their lives. A lot more men make that promise than keep it, but to themselves actually, not to you, because their Manhood, in Their Minds is about Accomplishing a TOUGH Goal they’ve set for themselves, because they love you. The percentage of men who accomplish that depends on which poll you read, but it’s always under 40%. Which is a chunk, but… 

Men respond to How You Make Them Feel About Themselves, not to how they feel about you. Think about it.  C = A BODILY REACTION to you that they are aware of in themselves.  

A female I know had a close girlfriend who told her the following, and my friend told me.  Accurate paraphrase: My husband and I haven’t had sex for 8 months, because of (unimportant what the conflict was) and if he thinks I’m going to give in first, he’s mistaken. He’s not getting any unless he comes to me. Her husband was a top stockbroker on Wall Street, and she actually believed this guy was going without sex, and had gone without it for 8 months. I asked my friend if she thought her friend might dolly back to Planet Earth at some point, and she looked at me quizzically, like, well you can’t be sure, optimistic that her friend’s husband might be faithful. Enough said.

THREE:  His BEHAVIOR tells the truth. What he SAYS is meaningless. (Be careful with this one, because his behavior is LAYERED, just as yours is, and if you’re listening to him, you may miss some of the subtle behavioral clues peeking up from his depths. Picture yourself walking through a grassy field populated by little bunny rabbits, in the dark of night, with a flashlight. They dart away so quickly you barely get a look at them, and they’re so cute you want to pick them up and cuddle them, but before you can, they’ve skittered off into the underbrush.

I saw Steve Harvey on Oprah the other day.  HUGE Best-Selling “Love Expert” author of Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.  (Act like a “Lady”? Gimme a fuckin break. Don’t listen to him women, listen to me: Fuck & Suck [and whatever else you desire] as many cute boys as you want. You deserve it. Just always be safe, and don’t tell men [or judgmental women, and there are many] about your adventures. It frightens them if you have too Wide A Frame Of Reference***). Mr. Harvey said some stuff I agreed with, and some stuff I didn’t, but then Oprah helped him proudly reveal to the women in her audience the secret weapon of the book. “The 5 Questions for Men” they should start asking, he says, on the FIRST DATE !!!!! Are you ready for this? Here they are, straight from the book: “1. What are your short term goals? 2. What are your long-term goals? 3. What are your views on relationships?  4. What do you think about me?  5. What do you feel about me?”  

First, most men will be completely creeped out by the last 3 on a first date! That important fact aside, you’re going to ask him this shit, then listen to what says? and THEN attempt to determine how to proceed from his answer????? Wouldn’t it be easier to just jump off a bridge? I was aghast, but not in the least surprised that these poor, lost women were lapping up this poison milk. What do you THINK & FEEL about me????? On a FIRST DATE?????  

He Wants To Fuck You. Maybe for tonight only, or maybe, actually, eventually, for the rest of your life, but whateverrrthefffffffffuck is happening in his head right now (picture a jar filled with buzzing honeybee drones) is highly unlikely to translate into words that have meaning. He’s running on testosterone-driven instinct (no matter how cool he’s pretending to be). What ON EARTH is he going to say other than WHAT HE THINKS YOU WANT TO HEAR? which doesn’t mean he’s even necessarily lying, or that he may not develop deep feelings for you in time (but so few have ANY IDEA what they’re feeling, anyway.)

If I were faith-based, I would pray for you women. I didn’t feel contempt for Oprah or for her special audience of 300 love-and-sex-starved women, I felt heart-stopping pity, and I think this guy really believes he’s giving out good advice. YIKES. It’s a fucking bestseller remember. It’s like teaching a girl to swim with 10-pound ankle weights, no wonder the poor thing can’t keep her head above water.

*** Lack of A Frame Of Reference is also called Virginity. This nutty idea that it is more meaningful if you have no frame of reference is absolutely counterintuitive. Ben and Jerry’s shot like a rocket to the top when they came on the Ice Cream Scene because theirs compared favorably to all the others. It was even better than Haagen-Dazs (!) which had been the industry standard for years.  The Myth, created to keep women from becoming sexually curious creatures, came from men who did not want women to have anyone to compare them with of course.

None of this is Anti-Man. I love men. I love how Easy, Uncomplicated and Appetite-driven we are. Especially compared to women. Ladies, keep focusing on What You SEE, and PLEASE, NOT on What You Want, Think, or Hear from him, or other women.