I know that sounds ridiculous to a lot of you guys,“Be honest with women”, but here’s the deal. There are two kinds of women: The kind that have a standard idea in their heads about how men should think and behave, and the kind that actually want (and are willing) to get to know YOU.

The first kind is the kind you see and meet everywhere, the kind to whom the diamond and the wedding mean everything. They require you to call and/or text them several times a day to assure them you care, and you have to do it, whether or not you want to, in order to show them you will play by their predetermined female rules. These things are not negotiable. You must never speak of your sexual longings for women to them, never admit what a deep, core part of you is your urge to experience the female body in all its varied and amazing forms.

These are the same women who are constantly urging you to get in touch with your feelings and to share them with her. She wants to know how you feel about your boss, your mother, your friends, your brother, your self. But of course she doesn’t want to know anything to do with your feelings about wanting women, unless it’s about wanting her. She also doesn’t have a clue that your feelings about yourself and almost everything else are rooted in your most intense feelings about women and how their bodies make you feel.

Can you even imagine having a guy friend (even if you never talk much about it) who doesn’t know how much of your brain and heart and guts are tied up with the sight, smell, touch and taste of the female body?  The majority of women, the vast majority, fall into this first, densely-populated, garden-variety category.

The second group of women, though, which is admittedly much smaller, actually wants to know you. Yeah, they really do. They actually mean it when they ask you to share your feelings. They value honesty more than they value hearing the answer they prefer, or the diamond ring. These women in the second group live much more in the moment, they feel their own sexual urges more urgently, and they are not nearly as threatened by your insanely active libido as the women in the first group. They may still, ultimately, want or require you to be faithful. But they love the honest negotiation, because they did not auto-buy the farm called Monogamy Equals Happily Ever After, like the first group, and because when you are inside them, they can feel that they really know the guy to whom they have granted access, even if it eventually turns out to be temporary access. They value freedom and fun, not just security and longevity.

Trust is NOT about making promises you can’t keep. It’s about keeping a promise to be real. Authentic.

And before we go any further, let’s also be clear that what’s good for the gander also goes for the goose. If you want to be honest with her and let her have a look at who you really are, then you must be willing and able to let her do the same. Your woman is much more aggressively horny than you may realize. Possibly (even probably) more than she may realize too. Underneath that carefully crafted, appropriately feminine (read: much too controlled) exterior beats the heart of an unbridled animal who wants nothing more than to give into her wildest primal instincts, to feel her clitoris absolutely on fire, and to take you along for the thrill ride of your life (if you’re willing to hang on).

But first, you have to remove the removable impediments, and they are all fear-based. (Well…not remove them so much as accept and integrate them into the moment while you’re eating her.) It’s her own judgment of her sexual self that she listens to, her own judgments that limit her ability to express herself sexually. (By comparison, she doesn’t give a hoot about yours.) Her boundaries for sexual self-expression were mostly formed by the input from her parents (mostly her mother), her siblings (mostly her sisters) and her friends (mostly her girlfriends). And that means mostly one thing: Be a good girl, not a slut. 

But you want to bring the bad-girl factor into play, right? Fuckin-A.

So you have to give her permission that she may not feel unless she gets it from you. And the best permission you can give her is a long, intense orgasm. Women are taught that it’s only truly appropriate to be fully sexual when they are in love, or if a man they are attracted to forces them out of control with lust. In this second case, they may feel terribly guilty (read: slutty) about it tomorrow, but they’ll give into it tonight if it feels fantastic.

Women also like a guy (whether they know it or not) who can take them up to the ceiling and leave them there for a while, so don’t hurry to make her orgasm, especially if you can quickly. (If you’re at all wary of getting too excited too fast, keep your pants on while you’re exploring her pussy, and if she questions or teases you about it, tell her it’s insurance for her pleasure.) Tease her, take her up and down, tell her how hot she looks when she’s flushed with desire (the truth, in other words), talk to her about anything you like that will get her hotter and closer to the edge (your plans to take her car in for an oil change tomorrow, for example), make lots of eye-contact, let her see how vulnerable and how powerful you feel in the face of her increasingly moistening excitement, and how much you want to rush her to orgasm, but then don’t rush.

The longer you can leave her on that last plateau of helpless desire before you push her over the edge, the more likely she is to forget all that ridiculous nonsense in her head about the perfect wedding dress (which is probably based on something Barbi wore to her fucking prom in 1965) and to come pounding on your door in the middle of the night demanding more cunnilingus and feverish intercourse, like the crazed she-beast she really is.

It’s fun to talk sex with you guys, but remember that… of course you still have to treat her with total love and respect outside of the bedroom whether you’re in it for the long haul or not. (If you are a single, straight man PLEASE RE-READ that last line!) Men who mistreat women, who lie about their intentions, who manipulate, who withhold, and who have no loyalty to the truth, are not men.

And HEY! Be clear on this: When I say you should share your longings for women with her, I don’t mean describing some girl in a tight short skirt you saw on the street to her every time that happens.

Instead, give her an honest and fully expressed idea of how your body really works, and how it often rules your brain and your heart, (even if you don’t fully understand it yourself). That is not only the key to finding the extraordinarily special woman you want, it’s also the key to understanding yourself, and who you are. And that can only bring you closer to her.